Most of the time, we think carrying things alone makes a stronger version of ourselves. There are times that we think that we’re invincible, that we’re okay until a day comes when we find ourselves alone in a room with no other choice but to admit that we might’ve been living a lie for so long – that we are indeed weak and we really need a hand to pick us up. A time when we feel afraid and in need of an embrace we don’t usually get.
Since I was young, I have already trained myself not to show any sign of vulnerability. I never saw my biological father and I didn’t grow up feeling the warmth a father could give, but I hate dramas, so I never told anyone about this. Although I had so many questions every normal child would ask people about, I never asked anyone even if I knew that this has something to do with my identity. I just stretched out my young mind so I won’t complicate things for the people around me. I didn’t want any one to have a hard time answering the many baffling questions I had for a long time until these unanswered questions already wounded me so deeply and I didn’t even notice I’m already hurting myself. This pain slowly threw me away from a lie I made myself believe for a long time.
My struggle to trust people, my fear to be rejected, my attempt to build walls around my heart, and my decision not to depend on anyone, it all rooted from my unacknowledged fear of being abandoned without any explanation. I had friends, but I always tried to distant myself from people as much as possible, and practiced carrying my own problems alone, until I got tired. Little did I know that this was what the Lord had been waiting for me to feel in all those years. All He had been waiting for me to acknowledge was my weakness. With this, I surrendered and He was able to start restoring my life.
When I ran unto His arms like a child who was desperate for an embrace, He welcomed me, not just with a very warm hug, but also with words that left me crying even more.
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
He let me go through so much breaking and pruning that I may realize that I needed help. He let me use every ounce of strength I had until there’s nothing left that He may fill me up with His strength and love. He let me experience being abandoned that He might show that He’s a God who searches for the unloved. I knew how it was to feel strong all by myself, but I’d rather choose to be weak having Him on my side than to be seemingly strong but alone.
Just like me, have you also built an impenetrable armor? The Lord wants to tell you that it’s time to put it down and admit that you’re already tired. Only Him could heal that wounded body you’ve hidden in that armor for a long time. He’s concerned about that broken heart hidden behind that happy smile. He’s concerned about that broken spirit hidden behind that strong body. He’s just waiting for you to say, “Lord, I surrender.”
Surrendering all to God,
Charlene Jaena
