I like a quote from Oswald Chambers saying, “Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the one who is leading” because the journey I’ve taken from a former season could really relate to it.
I have been in the ministry for God knows how long. As early as my Sunday school days, I’ve loved seeking God’s presence. I will be hypocrite if I don’t admit to have longed for a very special part in the ministry of Jesus Christ. At the age of 16, I had been preaching in prayer meetings, joining house-to-house evangelism, and leading people in worshipping God in spirit and in truth. With this early exposure to lavished communication and commitment with God, I honestly felt arrogantly stronger than a typical Christian of my age, until my heart that was not totally synchronized to Him got burned out and tried to seek what would satisfy my discontented spirit.
During college days until I already started working, I was able to meet many friends who made me feel and experience things I might’ve been yearning all the while. I’ve had shares of endless laughter, partners in crime, sports buddies, and even lime light confidants. Many people must’ve also considered my work experience incredibly speedy. I thought I owe these seemingly successes to myself because of my diligence, versatility, toughness, flexibility and resilience. I told myself I deserve to be happy because I was doing a good job without hurting or stepping on other people, but I didn’t feel the joy of living. Then, I saw myself crying in an empty shower room at a gym one day, realizing how unhappy I was for opting to be away from where God really wants me to be, and for not choosing the people God really wants me to be with. I needed a revival. I learned that true happiness reaches soul-level and all good things that don’t reach the soul don’t bring true happiness at all.
Just what they say, “seasons come and seasons go.” I got spiritually hyped but also had tendencies to be snatched down low by the covetous world. I was running in circles and I wanted to be significant but I wasn’t willing to pay the price. I was chasing for the epitome of joyful living on earth because I know that God’s favor brings that here, too, not just in heaven, but I didn’t realize that I didn’t really have the picture of what I was running after; I honestly never truly realized what I really wanted to achieve and to become, because I already stopped dreaming.
I’ve read all the pages of the Bible and learned a lot of life lessons from it but I was still frustrated because I know I was still having a hard time being calibrated with however Christ thinks for others and for me, this got me lost in the ministry again. However, just like what Oswald Chambers said, even though I didn’t really know where the path I chose would lead me, I never lost my faith and intimacy to my Maker. In 2015, God’s grace found me again! After years of wrestling, He finally talked to me and dealt with my desperation. I realized that the frustrations I experienced in the past knocked out the dreamer in me because I got scared and tired of fighting, at the same time, I was looking at an indefinite goal. Pieces of truth were thrown at my face. I finally realized I didn’t know what I really wanted; I needed help; I needed to evaluate what my life had become so I could recalibrate; and I needed to dream again.
On top of the these things, God made me see who I really am, that I am but a weak and helpless warrior without His grace shining through me every waking day. That I truly am never strong and cannot be left alone by God, else I will shiver to death. My eyes were also opened to the fact that apart from the fact that I need God, I also need friends He chooses to join me in my journey, just as iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend (Proverbs 27:17 NLT).
As an analytical thinker, I asked God why He didn’t make me realize these things earlier, where I could have been spared from pains and regrets. He made me understand that I had to really go through all the tiring and painful experiences so I could taste it first hand, that way, I could relate to His people and see them how He sees them with compassion and empathy because I will need it for a greater calling for my new season.
To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1
I now understand that there is a time for every season: to grow, to move on, to fight, and to stand on the very reason of man’s existence – to be a wonderful creation after God’s own heart.
This 2016, are you still waiting for an answer for a prayer you’ve always been pushing hard onto God for the longest time? I know that the saying, “God is neither early nor late” sounds cliché because waiting is easier said than done, however, know that there’s a reason why things happen, had to happen and keep on happening. This year, we probably need to start accepting the fact that we really need some help to figure out the meaning of life’s events before they get spoiled and your time and efforts become useless.
Are you still stuck in despair, inferiority or lack of purpose or self-worth? Know that there’s a beautiful version within you that is just waiting to be awaken, if only you’ll find time in getting to know whom God designed you to be – reverently and wonderfully made.
Just like me, you also need help to grow, as this is how God really shapes us: to connect.
Until the next season of a greater outpour,
JR Chua
