I once rode a van home around 7 in the evening, blind, after having yet another migraine attack. Unlike the other attacks I’ve had, it happened when I was all alone, in the middle of my commute home. And unlike before, I was oddly calm. I was clinging to the goodness of God as I prayed and prayed and prayed and trusted that He will bring me home safe, with or without my sight. There was no other option.
I was first diagnosed with ocular hypertension 11 years ago when I was just starting my freshmen year. Because of this, I would get ocular migraines that would make me lose my eyesight in the middle of a class, or leave me handicapped and in pain for the whole day. I had to endure the pain because there’s no instant remedy that would bring back my sight. There was no other option but to “wait and see”.
The first 2 years were terrible for me. When I first heard the words “pre-glaucoma” case” and “rare for her age” from my doctor, I was so scared. Scared that I will lose my eyesight. Scared that I would depend on someone to live normally for the rest of my life. Scared that I would be useless. I also got so paranoid, which only resulted in me being over-conscious with the amount of time I spent reading and using the computer, as well as the food I ate and the amount of (sun)light I allowed my eyes to absorb in a day. I prayed for my healing but I was living in fear for my future that I tried so hard and did everything I can just so I can assure myself that I won’t go blind. I thought that if there was no other option for me, I could make one for myself.
But I was wrong. I was blindsided by the idea that I had no other option and that the only path I was headed is bleak. I was praying, believing that I would get healed, but I wasn’t living my belief. It’s as if I was saying, “Okay, Lord. I know that you are my Healer, but I don’t know if you intend me to lose my sight or not so let me do this and that just to make sure I don’t get blind.” I was trying so hard to answer my own prayer like Abraham did when he didn’t wait for God to give him a son. I was so focused on getting my sight back, that l was only looking at God’s capacity to heal me and lost sight of Who He is.
When my eye pressure stabilized and my migraines kept coming, God made me realize that no amount of human effort can change what He intended to happen. All this time, He only wanted me to do one thing: to come and see. This was the only option that God is offering me all along. He is inviting me to come- to kneel before Him and surrender all my fears to Him every day, to depend on Him alone, to tap on His insurmountable source of strength and love, and to see- to notice what He has been doing for me all this time, to witness His great and powerful hand at work and to trust that whatever happens, He is in control.
By His grace, even when my migraines still keep coming back, God took away my fears. Instead of trying so hard to do what only He can do, He made me trust and depend on Him alone. If He has given me my life, why shouldn’t I give it all to Him? What do I have to lose?
Maybe you’re like me and you’ve been clinging on to your own ability and strength. You’ve been praying and fighting for a long time, but have started to lose hope. Do you believe that God is Sovereign? Loving? Merciful? Then trust in the Sovereign love of the Lord (Psalm 20:7) and start living by faith and not by sight! (2 Corinthians 5:7). Don’t just wait for healing to arrive! Come to God and leave everything in His hands. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.” (Ephesians 6:10)